There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
