I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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