On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
