I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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