I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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