Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
