This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
