I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
