im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
