Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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