saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
