He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
