she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
