i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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