DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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