I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
