Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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