You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
