just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
