I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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