somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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