Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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