i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
