I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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