Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
