I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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