hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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