I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
