she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize