based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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