I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
