How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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