Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
