You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
