guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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