Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
