You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
