Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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