I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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