just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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