woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
