I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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