I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
