wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
