i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
