good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
