the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
