I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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