I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
