This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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