Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
