just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
