I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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