You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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