just tell him i said nine months
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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