we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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