come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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