Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
