if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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