Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize